4/30/2012

Day 27: also known as the day I cried over a brownie

So after 27 days this project is starting to lose it's beauty. In the beginning I was so gung ho and determined that I could go without in order to seek God. And it worked pretty well. I did struggle a little, but there was a novelty to the project that made it work and it wasn't that hard to just push through it.

At nearly 4 weeks, the novelty of the project has worn off and I'm left with the ugly reality of my true emotions about food. About how I do use food as a crutch in place of my faith. Because it's tangible, and it smells good. And it's easy.

And I still have two weeks. At this point every single fiber in my body cries for mercy. Some days it's a minute by minute battle with my self will to not take that brownie right out of my daughter's hand and cram it in my own mouth. Which, yes, I've threatened to do. Jesus help me.

But as I literally walk out of the kitchen so I don't have to smell whatever Jory is baking for the umpteenth time, I can't help but think about the reason behind the project.

About the very real conversation that God and I are having about the world I live in.

 About what I really am capable of, and what God really does want from me.

About how I've reached the end of what I'm capable of, and maybe it's time to let God take over.

About how maybe it's time to stop trying and start trusting.

About how my perception of rock bottom is really kind of pathetic.

And how it's not really that bad.

And how every "no" I say to myself is really a "yes" to Jesus.

But for the love of all that is good, please do not offer me a cookie, a handful of dried fruit, a bowl of cereal, ramen noodles, or jelly for my toast. Because I will probably de-friend you.

4/27/2012

I go with you.

It's nearly summer in this part of the country, and you know what that means?

It's time for support letters. If you are unfamiliar with the support letter, t's a tool used by high school and college kids to raise money to go on mission trips. I've sent a plethora myself, and now as a "grown up" I'm on the receiving end of just as many as I sent out. Perhaps more.

As a former support letter writer, I've always been happy to send a little to each inquiry. There was a small feeling of satisfaction that I was able to "pay forward" the investment that someone else had invested in me in the past. But that was just about the extent of my contribution. A quick check dropped in the mail, and then back to business as usual.

This year is different. This year as I send in my support checks I'm sending a piece of my heart along as well. My love, my prayers, my crazy dreams about taking over the world. All of it. I'm shoving everything into each little return envelope, and sealing them with cute little stamps and hand drawn smiley faces. 

There are days when I feel discouraged by my little home based ministry. My circle of influence feels so limited. My chances for taking the world by storm with my minivan and ballerina shoes feels slim to none. And yes, I'm embracing the opportunity to live vicariously through those called to a more interesting ministry than I am.

So to each person who sent me a support letter this year, thank you for letting me go with you. As you study turkish, and work with underpriveledged kids around the world, I go with you. Not just my meager financial contribution, but my hopes and dreams, my desire to stand up to injustice, and my love for Jesus. I pray that you feel empowered and enabled to do the work that I can't do.

Go get 'em. We got your back.

4/26/2012

5 months in...

This week we passed the 5 month mark since we brought litte Max home from Russia. I'd like to say that this month we saw miraculous happenings that would inspire a generation. But not so much. It was yet another month of highs and lows, endurance and celebration.

One term I've come to embrace over the last few months is "process". Everyone is looking for the finished product, the quick fix, the happy ending. I feel like people are waiting for the day that I announce little Max has been cured of his horrible past and now he's a shining star.

Um. That's not going to happen.

There isn't a formula for fixing a broken child. There's no "bippity boppity boo, I love Jesus and now you're better." That's not the way this works. He's not a product to finish and he never will be. He's a work in progress, just like the rest of us. We all have a cesspool of junk that's simering below the surface that we don't want people to know about. His junk just comes to the surface faster and uglier than yours and mine. Living in an environment where people consistantly treat each other with love and respect helps, having parents who pray relentlessly helps, but it just takes time to learn healthy ways of dealing with emotional scars.

There's a small part of me that wishes I could just go into his little brain with my magic eraser and scrub out all those yucky parts that make him act out. But there is a much bigger part of me that embraces those yucky parts for what they are. Part of a perfect plan that is somehow going to glorify God.

When you adopt an older child, you have to know that the child is not going to be as easy to raise as an infant would be. We walked into this arrangement knowing that Max wasn't going to be as easy to raise as our other children were.  We didn't want an easy one, we wanted him.  We knew he would be full of scars and junk, and we didn't care. We knew God had an amazing plan for his life and we wanted to be a part of it.

4/25/2012

(nearly) wordless wednesday

 
 down that red dirt road...
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4/20/2012

The crazy sugar thing day 17

Really? 17 days? When did that happen? Strange things happen when you stop counting days. So yes, I'm still on this crazy sugar fast, and doing pretty well. Although I'd just like to publicly admit that I have had multiple dreams about secret sugar binges, I have done just fine for the most part. Ahem.

I was pretty hardcore the whole first week, I may or may not have put salsa on my spaghetti because it was the only sugar free condiment in my house. If you've never tried this delicacy, I wouldn't recommend it.  But I made the point to myself, I can go %100 without. But to be able to survive I've made a few calculated exceptions (like for salad dressing - I have yet to find a sugar free dressing. Go figure. It's like Hey! lets all be good stewards of our body and have a salad! Full of sugar. Thanks.) I've accepted the necessity of celebratory free passes (which again are calculated, not impulsive).  For the most part I find it not that hard to be disciplined and go without %98 of the time.

There's something magic about doing a long term fast. Something that isn't quite the same as a typical 1-3 day-er. In the grocery store I find myself avoiding eye contact with the soda isle. You can taunt me if you want stupid Pepsi that used to rule my life, but really I'm not interested. Go sing your siren song to someone else. You and your nasty chemical after taste.

Heh.

But no, there really is something beautiful about starting a long term conversation through fasting. Fasting has long been used as a way to connect with God, and really to limit God to a 24 hour connection is just a little wrong. It really isn't long enough to break out of impulse driven consumption mode and truly settle yourself down for your lesson.

So what then. What does God have to say after 17 days of nearly sugar free living? To be honest, I feel like a different person. Like I should just write a book (which I have absolutely no desire to do, so don't look for me at your local library). I feel like I should go on a war path, like I should just not be ok with the way this world works anymore. I'm reading a lot about social injustice, and how it's impossible to be a Christian and just shrug my shoulders at the thought of it. How as a mother with a voice it is my responsibility to speak out for all those mothers whos voices have been silenced by poverty and oppressive social dynamics. Or at least care.

And the best part of this little experiment? It's not done. I've settled in on 40 days in length, which means I haven't even broken the halfway point. Really, this conversation I'm having has just begun, and there's no telling where it will end.

Good stuff.

4/19/2012

Book Review: Six Ways to Keep the 'Good' in Your Boy

I recently received a copy of the book "Six Ways to Keep the 'Good' in Your Boy" by Dannah Gresh. This book helps parents navigate the tricky tween and teen years by giving practical advice for keeping communication lines open and helping them navigate their challenging journey to manhood. Gresh helps readers navigate through some pretty scary turf such as aggressive girls, graphically violent media, and porn. (Eek.)
 As the mom of 2 little men who live on completely different planets, I really feel like I got a lot from this book. I rather enjoyed her insight on the continued importance of creative play into the tween / teen years (y'all know how much I love creative play), and the father's role in developing a sense of purpose and a willing to embrace risk.
This mother of two almost tween boys says "two thumbs up"

Please Note: We received this book for review purposes. As always, our opinions are 100% our own

4/18/2012

(nearly) wordless wednesday

 
Open door... 
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4/16/2012

Confessions of a mad dog mother

So it seems like we're facing a little setback in the battle for Max. He's acting out relentlessly again, much like he did when we first brought him home. He's emotionally needy (aka whiny) on a consistant basis, and aggresive towards me and his sisters. My facebook friends are constantly amused by my rock bottom desparation posts like this winner:

"the reason I'm checking my email in the bathroom is because I'm hiding from you. Please go away"

I know many of you think I"m nuts for continuing to homeschool this little cannonball in the face of such strife. Frankly there are times when I question my own logic. But I have a secret to share with you. God has an amazing plan for this little boys life. God is going to use this little boy to do something amazing, but he needs to work through all of his junk to get there. He needs someone who's ready to be "all in" to get him where he needs to be. Someone who's going to be a mad dog prayer warrior over the battle for his little soul.

Frankly, I just don't think he's going to get that in a public school. Love to all my teacher friends who work very hard and do a fantastic job. I just know that you are all overworked and underpaid and don't have the strength and energy to go where my son needs you to be.

So I can choose to focus on the minute by minute "this kid is making me crazy" or I can focus on being my son's biggest fan. Knowing this is a very long road to help him find the focus he needs to be who God created him to be. I can be that uber stubborn mother who insists that he is a child of God, and by golly he's going to act like one. Even if I have to  fight like a caged animal (with love and respect), and pray crazy desparate prayers 24/7.

I'm all in, so bring it.

And praise God for indoor swimming pools. The land where you can kick and scream as loud as you want and you won't get in trouble. You, Mr. Lifeguard at the West Y have made my life so much more tolerable.

4/12/2012

The beauty of No

Over the last week (and a little more) I've become intimately acquainted with a beautiful little word called "no". I know that most of you are rather aware of the ugly, side of no. The side that rejects, withdrawls and destroys hope. But the poor little word gets a bad wrap. See, really he's out for our best interest.
But there's another side of no. The other side of no also wants to play nice and be friends. It is also an invitation. An invitation to redirect and refocus on what you really want, and what God really wants from you.

For me that realization came when I decided to give up sugar for a season. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to.

I don't want to be driven by a compulsive need to consume. I really want to please God. I really want to improve the relationships with the people around me, and I really do care about people who are suffering.

I imagine you are at a point in your life when you might need to give up something you like in order to get something you want.

Is there something in your life that's bossing you around? It's time to kick that nastiness to the curb like a bad banana. It's time to tell it "you aren't the boss of me" and mean it. It's time to find the beautiful, greener pastures that are found when you're willing to say no. Maybe for a season, maybe forever.

Do it. I believe in you.

4/11/2012

(nearly) wordless wednesday

 
 
 
More scenes from the ranch... 
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4/10/2012

Day 7: Strength

So of all the comments I've gotten over the last week about this crazy project, the most common thing I hear is "wow, you must be really strong to do something like that".

Nope. I'm not strong.

I have the ability to substitute my cravings. No sugar? How 'bout salty, or high fructose corn syrup. Those are both acceptable substitutes.

Yeah, this process hasn't made me feel strong at all. Just crafty. And so incredibly blessed that I have the ability to substitute hot dogs (sugar free!) for peanut butter and jelly.
Really, if you want to think about strong, think about those millions of moms who don't have the ability to make that kind of substitution. They don't have access to basic food resources, much less the great abundance of snack foods that I have access too. 
I have an imaginary friend. She lives in Africa. She has 6 children, with one on the way. For dinner last night she made rice and squash. She felt so incredibly blessed to have enough to feed everyone as much food as they wanted. She didn't care that there wasn't any Mountain Dew to drink with her dinner, nor did she care that there wasn't any Doritos or Oreos. She just felt happy to have food in her belly, and in the bellies of the ones she loves most.  
I want to be like her. 
I don't see how my choosing fruit over chips makes me a stronger person. I see each choice as an opportunity to be aware of what is really happening on my planet. An opportunity to be grateful for the life giving food that I have in abundance. And an opportunity to pray for those who don't have that same abundance.

4/06/2012

Sugar experiment: day 2


So what’s the point? I know what you’re thinking. Why on earth does a skinny, healthy girl willingly give up sugar? I’ll give you a hint. It’s not for health reasons. I don’t have clogged arteries, and I don’t need to lose weight. This isn’t a diet, it’s an act of love.
It’s for Jesus. I’ve been reading a lot lately about people who willingly went without in order to connect better with Jesus. Lysa Terkeurst did it, so did Jen Hatmaker. In essence the main idea is to come to terms with the choices I’m making about my dietary habits (or shopping impulses, or whatever might be getting in the way of my faith), be willing to go without, and replace my negative, impulsive choices with more positive, thoughtful ones.
Additionally I think there’s a lot to be said about the idea of using a long term fast of sorts to connect to those who go without on a regular basis. I tried to figure out what percentage of the world lives without sugar as a regular part of their daily existence. I couldn’t find that statistic. But I’ll bet it’s pretty high. For the next few weeks I’m going to stand shoulder to shoulder with those moms who love their kids and work themselves to the bone on a daily basis, but don’t have the luxury indulging in chocolate when life gets hard, or celebrating the fact that they survived another day with a bowl of ice cream before bed.
So what now? Is this little project going to take over my blog? Am I going to give a whiney play by play of each day? No and no. If I get some specific insight related to this project I’ll be happy to share it with you, and you’ll understand where I am coming from. If I manage to inspire you to give up some unnecessary essential in y our life, so be it.
But most of all, I’m sharing my project with you so you won’t offer me a cookie. Because no, I don’t want one.

4/05/2012

The great sugar experiment: Day 1


After reading the book "7" by Jen Hatmaker I’ve decided to do a sugar fast until further notice. Like a month, maybe. We’ll see how it goes. Crazy? Yes. I know. It's been too long since I decided to do something crazy to get Jesus' attention. It's time for a new project.
So you know what happens when you decide to do something crazy for Jesus right? Things get ugly. Let me describe the morning of day 1. 
Day 1: 
7:00 Wake up with a raging headache. Really? It’s much too early for a sugar crash. I haven’t even given anything up yet.
9:00 the children decide to have a snowball fight with crumpled paper. Cute, but not if have a raging headache that won’t go away
10:00 Max refuses to do school. Not a cute gentle refusal, more of a laying on the floor screaming kind of refusal.
10:15 – 10:45 I try my best to re establish the rules with Max about what is acceptable timeout behavior and what is not. AKA I spent 45 minutes physically restraining him in a safe hold, because that’s what you do with a sensory kid who’s trying to buck the system.
11:00 Yes, the headache is still raging, and now my arms are killing me from my wrestling match with my tiny 8 year old who is stronger than me. Even though I lift weights.  Thank you very much. And there’s glue all over my kitchen. And the toddlers feet. I don’t want to know.
11:15 I give up on school and send the boys outside so my brain can go to a happier place by reading stories with my girls.
12:00 So what exactly can I eat around here? Most of my general lunch options have sugar in them. Even my pasta sauce. Seriously?
I’d like to say that my day improved after lunch, but we have a saying in this house. It’s not a party until somebody cries. So what kind of party is it if 4 of the 5 of us cry before dinner?
Louisa was the only hold out.
What have I done?

4/04/2012

(nearly) wordless wednesday

weathered... 
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4/02/2012

Tiny Dancers...

Their shoes might be little, but their faith is not.
They love to dance, and they love Jesus.
Dancing for Jesus? That's a no brainer.





Love my tiny dancers.
Worship dance team, Palm Sunday 2012

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