Advice not to give the mother of a wounded child.

I don't think I've ever met someone who enjoyed getting parenting advice in the grocery store line. It's funny how people like to be an expert on parenting other people's children, especially when they don't have a clue about the other family's social dynamics.

So here are some of the finer solutions that people have offered me as my wounded child is trying really hard to keep his act together in public, and how I generally respond.

That child is really too big for you to be carrying him.
My choices are carry him or listen to him scream. Trust me, you don't want me to put him down.

Just ignore him, he'll stop.
Ignoring a neglected child DOESN'T WORK. Infact it makes him worse. Far worse.

Have you tried the sticker chart?
It might work if my child had a desire to please me and avoid negative consequences. Neither of which holds any desire in his little heart. He doesn't recognize my authority as his parent, and I'm pretty sure bribing him with stickers isn't going to change that fact.

Just give that kid a swat. He'll stop.
Um, so this kid was probably a victim of abuse, so not only can we not "just give him a swat" but we really can't give our other children swats in front of him anymore either. Besides, I'm never going to give him the type of beating he's recieved before, so my little butterfly swats generally would fall under the category of "you really think that's painful? You really have no idea, do you lady" and therefor not be a deterrant anyway.



and my personal favorite:

That one looks like he needs to have his video games taken away when you get home.
Lets just talk about all the things that life has already taken away from this child. His biological parents, his siblings, his culture, a climate that he's used to, his native language, his best friend Igor, all of his toys, clothes and other belongings - including the shirt off his back, do I need to go on?
I'm thinking losing the ipod for 20 minutes isn't really going to inflict a great sense of loss or deprivation on this kid.

Any other "tips" out there that I've missed? Help me out fellow Mamas who've heard it all...

You aren't going to leave me here, are you?

The other night I was driving around with Max, and he needed a bathroom break. Well, we were out in the middle of no where and there wasn't really anywhere  to stop, so I offered to pull off the side of the road for him, but he wasn't interested.
A few miles down the road it became apparent that he did want me to pull off the road, but something was clearly bothering him. As we searched for a possible location for a pit stop he whispers "You aren't going to leave me here are you?" Alone. By the side of the road. In the middle of no where. How terrified he must have been to think that someone he loved would even consider doing something like that. After a profuse amount of reassurance he agreed to let me pull over in a well lit, but abandoned parking lot.
After our little pitstop, we continued on our way home, and as the miles passed my sorrow from our little verbal exchange passed as well. I was nearly home when the joy hit. My total elation was not caused by my son's pain, but by the fact that he able to put his fears into words.
Normally instead of asking such a question, he would just lie on the floor kicking and screaming for two hours. Which poses an interesting quandry when you're trying to drive, or shop or do whatever. For him to be able to ask me a question like that is huge for him.

Max meets the pumpkin patch. A love story. With bunnies.

I've sort of gotten away from posting about every day adventures in our house, perhaps they were just a little too ordinary to put forth the extra effort when I had a household to run with a screaming 8 year old on my hip.

But this ordinary little excursion was not so ordinary for us. This was the pumpkin patch. The. Pumpkin. Patch. Y'all. A seasonal favorite in our house over the last few years for sure, but that was all before my pumpkin obsessed son joined our family.

Little Max has been so completely obsessed with our tiny back yard pumpkin patch this year that I've been counting the days until we could take him to a real pumpkin farm since, um, June.

So you know what happens when you have take a completely pumpkin obsessed kiddo to a freaking huge patch right? He takes one look at the massive pumpkin displays and heads right towards the bunny barn. Where he parks himself for the entire duration of the stay. Of course.

So here are a few shots of my goofy gang. 

 

 

 Before he found the bunny barn

 

 

 

 

My part time kiddo loves the patch too

The cute bunny. Who wouldn't blame little dude for parking in bunny land.

And another one of my not so photo-genic dude "sleeping" by the most histerical pumpkin I've ever seen. I say it looks like a giant mouth. My 10 year old son? He says it looks like someone's tushie. Ahem. Either way it was too darned funny not to park himself next to for a quick nap.

Revising the story of my broken child.

We talked a few weeks ago about how all of our behavior modification for Max is now attachment based, and I'm back to say that it's still freaking awesome. School has been completely awesome, discipline has been awesome. It's all just awesome. He still has meltdowns, and freaks out for no obvious reason, but viewing those moments as opportunities for attachment time (instead of discipline) has been beautiful. I finally feel like I'm done weathering the storm and I can start feeling hopeful for the future.

So now that we understand how his brain works, and are treating him accordingly, it's time to teach him how his brain works and how he can be proactive in settling himself. Without violence.

Last week I sat down with our therapist to bang out a handful of goals for him. Our first one was to give him words to express how he's feeling, and teach him how to use them. A second goal was to replace negative attention seeking behaviors / self destructive tendencies with positive behaviors that end in the same result.

With those two goals down, I had my mom start the ball rolling by writing him a social story. These stories are a tool that she regularly uses with her students to help them talk themselves through just about anything. So here's the story she wrote for Max who is having issues about visiting the therapist.

I get very big feelings when I go to the doctor’s office.
And I DO NOT like that.
I don’t like it when the grown ups talk.
I might think they think I am bad
I might think they are going to make me go away.
I might think they will hurt me.
I might remember some bad feelings from Russia.
I need some help when I have those big feelings.
I can say to Mom, will you hold me and she will always say ‘Yes!”
I can ask, do you love me and she will always say “YES!”
I can ask, will you take care of me and keep me safe? And she will always say, “YES!”
My Mom and Pop love me and want me to feel safe.
They can help my very big feelings to get smaller. Whew!
That will help me feel better.
I will try to ask Mom or Pop for help when I have very big feelings.

I was a little worried that the story would make him feel threatened, but he loves it. He generally needs to hear it about twice a day. At one point last week after he'd heard the story a half dozen times, he snuggles into me and says "Mom, will you keep me safe?" I about died. I had no idea he didn't feel safe with us.

And that my friends is what makes it all worth it. All of his "something is wrong here, but I can't tell you what" behavior, all of his "I don't care if your busy, you need to hold me NOW" behavior. Every dark moment up to this point has been totally worth it.

I've said all along that this little boy is one of God's chosen and if I teach him nothing else, I'm going to teach him how to be a child of God. He doesn't need to be a doctor, or save the world. But he does need to be able to form positive relationships with people and not spew venom at them everytime they do something he doesn't like.

And I feel like giving him these tools is the beginning of a new chapter for Max. The next chapter in the story of who God really created him to be, and of helping him understand that God gave him such a unique story for a reason. He needs to know that his story is beautiful and inspirational. It has already inspired so many people, and will only continue to do so as it unfolds.  I want him to look past his pain to see the beauty in his story, and giving him these tools to understand himself is just the beginning.