9/18/2012

Attachment based homeschooling

So yesterday I talked about how I completely revolutionized the way I discipline my difficult child.  Now that I understand my son was acting out on purpose because he's seeking attachment time with me I've decided it's time to stop using attachment time as punishment and start using it to my advantage.

And that my friends includes getting him to do his school work.

I'm calling it attachment based homeschooling, and I'm totally making it up as I go along. The basic idea is to create an atmosphere conducive to bonding and attachment first, with learning as the secondary benefit. Which basically means that we're snuggling on the couch with a blankie and a clip board until further notice.

Again, it works like a charm. With his attachment issues, behavior issues and learning disabilities trying to get him to work at the table was like wrestling with a caged tiger. 2 hours of fighting for 20 minutes worth of work. Not really worth it.

Now that we're working on the premise that learning time is also cuddle time, he's all about it. I'm to a point where I can challenge him accademically instead of just challenging him physically and emotionally.

It's so beautiful to finally be on the same page. (see what I did there - same page? School? I'm so clever I don't know what to do with myself)

Anyway. I can also use the old method of schooling as leverage. More interested in cuddle time than learning? Guess it's time to go back to the kitchen table for some not so cozy learning.

That hard kitchen chair is kind of a rude awakening after the comfy couch. I'd do just about whatever it takes to avoid going back over there myself. He's not as dumb as he looks.

9/17/2012

Ignoring a neglected child is total crap.

So I talked recently about my son's behavior disorder, and how it's diagnosis has changed the way I look at our relationship. So how exactly does one discipline a child with such a disorder? A child who has no interest in avoiding natural consequences, staying out of trouble or pleasing authority figures?

The short answer is I don't really know. There are a lot of theories, and some of them work quite well for other people. We've tried lots of different techniques from ignoring attention seeking behavior to prevention with a sensory diet. Neither were particularly successful.

So I was reading last week about what happens to a child's neural development when he fails to attach to a primary care giver as an infant and I had an "ah ha" kind of a moment. Over the last 10 months little Max has been desperately seeking opportunities to bond and attach with me as his mother, and there are times that he's been so desperate for attachment time that he'll do just about whatever it takes in order to get it. Like throwing monsterous 2 hour temper tantrums because he wants to be put in a safe hold and doesn't know how to communicate that information with me.

So the million dollar question is, if he really really wants to be held securely by his mommy, why am I using that as punishment instead of to my advantage?

That question has completely revolutionized the way I respond to my child. I had to completely throw out all my notions about how to work with Max as a difficult child. All the training I've received, all the doctors and other professionals that have advised me to ignore him were wrong. Ignoring him is what is causing the problems. He's a neglected child. He knows how to escalate his behavior to get the attention he's craving. My ignoring him has just been adding fuel to his little fire. I feel like such a dunce.

So we have a completely new tactic in dealing with his behavior. As soon as the attention seeking behavior starts I go and pick him up. Then I carry him around like a toddler until he quiets down. If while I'm carrying him around he is aggressive towards me in any way he can sit in a kitchen chair by himself until he's ready to be held again.

Works. Like. A. Charm.

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