Three years ago my life was perfect. Our house and income levels were sufficient, and I had three beautiful, sweet children who were the pride of my life.
And it was awesome. My life was exactly as I had always imagined it would turn out to be. But as we all know, what we think will be awesome is never really as awesome as we assume it will be.
It's true that maintaining a clean house and raising three happy healthy children is the stuff that dreams are made of. But For me it was a cake walk, and I didn't want any cake. I wanted gritty. I wanted to be "all in" for Jesus, but I wasn't completely certain what that was supposed to look like.
So I shopped around. I poured all of my extra into our children's ministry at church, into homeschooling my children, I even dabbled in growing food for our community food bank.
All of those were fantastic, community changing projects. But they were the wrong projects. Each one I tried on felt like a second-hand pair of sneakers. They might look great from the outside, but they were molded to fit someone elses foot. And every step I took reminded me that they belonged to someone else.
This all came to a head in October of 2009. I vividly remember the time my frustration with all these projects came to a boiling point. It was a warm afternoon and the late afternoon lighting was golden. The kids and I were out in the garden, as we were most warm afternoons that year. They were off running around like yahoos and I was pulling weeds. Well mostly I appeared to be pulling weeds as I yelled at God. It was a "what do you want from me, and why do all of my attempts at being 'all in' feel so wrong" kind of argument.
October 2009 is when Max's biological father lost his custody battle with the Russian court system and our son was moved into the permanent care orphanage in Severodvinsk.
We wouldn't meet this little boy who would ultimately change the course of our lives for another 9 months. And even then we spent most of his 2 week visit assuming God had brought him to us so we could help him find a home with another family. But that's another story entirely.
If you ever wanted an example of what it means to be "all in" for Jesus, just look at my son. My very anxious, attachment disorder-y child who really is much too emotionally fragile to be in public school. My child who would flounder in any other social dynamic than the one he's in. Everything we have is everything he needed most.
And by golly it's hard. I never imagined that being "all in" would mean so much sacrifice. That ultimately I'd end up scrapping all those other "good for the community" projects to focus %100 on this little boy. This child who is so much more than a good deed I did in order to make myself feel like a good Christian.
On this bright dawn of a new year it's easy to spout a long list of "I will's" for my next year.
I will take more time for myself I will accomplish xyz...
But everything in me revolts at the idea of changing my behavior because I changed a the page on my calendar. I learned long ago that God doesn't care so much about what I do, but mostly He just wants me to work on improving who I am.
So with that in mind, we're going to officially drop the notion that New Years means improving my preformance in the ways and activities I choose to define myself. Today I announce that I'm done doing, it's time to start being. It's time to stop freaking out because I didn't do X and don't have Y. It's time to stop doing and start being. I really need to work on being the child of God I claim to be. Here are a few gems that I've come up with over the last few years that help me remember how to be who I want to be. If you don't mind I'm just going to recycle them again this year:
I want to see the world as Christ sees it, and act accordingly I want to live a life rich in being, not rich in having I want to invest in people, not in posessions
But mostly I just want to remember who I am and that God doesn't care what I do.
If you've spent any time online lately I'm sure you've heard about Putin's final act, signing a bill that effectively sealed the fates of hundreds of thousands of Russian orphans. Children we have personally met, held, and prayed over.
What do you say in a moment like this, when there are no words to be found. When you hug your Russian born child all day long, as your mourn for his best friends who no longer stand a chance of finding a home in our country?
We do the only thing we can do, pray.
We pray for all the lives affected by such a serious decision. Surely there are millions of souls who mourn with us today - both American, and Russian.
We pray for a spark, a shift in attitude, a subtle change that will reopen hearts that have been slammed closed. We ask for ears that will hear the pleas of the needy and reconsider. We ask that they will think about the big picture of the decision and not see the problem through their own eyes.
We ask that God would draw near to the millions that are also mourning, that He would take this time to pull those in need close to his side. That He would reveal Himself to the lowly, the way He revealed Himself to our son.
And mostly we need to remember that it really isn't our job as Americans to fix Russia's problems. It's not our job to rescue, save, or restore. Those things can only come from the healing that Christ brings. We need to remember to take our loss to the cross and leave it there.
One of my favorite mantras from our adoption process is: God has a perfect plan, and this is a part of it. We don't have to like it, but we do have to accept it. With those words in mind as I spend my day in mourning, holding my son for as long as he can stand me, I'll choose to be thankful. Thankful that my heart was stirred in time to do something about his needs. Thankful that God chose to bring hope to this one. And thankful that God has a perfect plan for the others.
I have been a Christian for the better part of twenty years, I have never once had a vision from God at any point in my walk. I believe that people have them, but apparently I'm just not one of them.
But I'm starting to think that I adopted one.
A few of you have heard the story about Max's angel. For those who haven't he shared the experience with me over lunch one day. Aparently while in the orphanage, he woke in the middle of the night to find someone in his room, dressed in white with something he called a "pharoh" on his head, which I can only assume was a halo. Then poof the stranger was gone. End of story.
That little exchange caused me to come a little untangled. Here we have a boy, who has serious cognitive delays (aka he's not all that intelligent) who has never really been told much about Angels, who can not only accurately describe the form an Angel might have used to present itself, but also knew what it was without any help from any of us.
Cool right?
But there's more. This week we were discussing the story of baby Jesus and how he came to be Max's friend so Max could go to Heaven. I'm standing in the kitchen making lunch and Max scurries in and says "Mom, baby Jesus, is He the one who has ouchies right here, and here?" Indicating his palm and the back of his hand.
And I stare at him slightly dumbfounded, because here we have a boy who doesn't really have the recall skills to remember the Bible story he heard three days ago in Sunday school, that has some how made the leap to connect the Nativity and the Crucifiction. Not only did he have the ouchie's located in the appropriate place, but he knew that there should be one on each side of his hand, where the nail went all the way through.
As if he had seen both sides of Christ's hands.
And so I ask cautiously. Oh so cautiously, "Did you see a picture of that somewhere? Like in a story?" Knowing full well that even if he had seen a powerful picture in a book, read by someone else (because it wasn't me) way back around Easter that there's no way he would still remember that. Not to mention the specific detail about both sides of the hand, cause I really doubt that part would have been in whatever story he might have heard.
And he gives me this grin. It's the "I know something you don't know, don't I?" grin, and says "Nope, I just see'd it in my head." And off he ran to go knock down someone's block tower. And that was the end.
At this point I'm a little glad that God doesn't send me the visions, because getting them second hand is enough to rattle me. This little boy, who is struggling so much as he deals with his attachment disorder, anxiety, and emotional trauma from his history with neglect / abuse. Who tries his best on a daily basis to make us all crazy, is the recipient of these visions. And how highly God must think of this poor little soul to comfort him with such visual outpourings.
And maybe, just maybe, God is giving him these visions to assure me that He is indeed surrounding this little boy with His love and protection. And all I have to do is show up, and let God use me to turn this poor kid to do something amazing.
This is the second Christmas season that we've had our Max, and it's so interesting to compare this one with the last. Last year he totally got the concept of Santa and "pedarky's". It seemed like every time we left the house he'd ask if he was about to see someone who would have a pedarky for him to unwrap, sadly for a time, the answer was usually yes. But beyond the gift giving aspect, he really had no concept of what the season was about.
This year we're really thrilled to take his concept of the season to the next level. To introduce the relational side of the season, about tradition, family and faith. About how Grandpa would really prefer something handmade over another festive tie; and about a baby named Jesus, who would eventually revolutionize the world.
While I help my son unpack the truths behind this season of celebration I have to pause myself and reconsinder my own concept of the season. I've always been the "less is more" type, so we've always gone the simple route with the secular side of our celebration.
But what if I'm done with less, and am ready for more out of Christmas? Not more stuff. Heavens no. More tradition, more faith, more love. These are the things I want to give and receive.
The mall is trying to sell me my "best holiday season ever", but I'm not sure I want what they have to offer. My house is tiny, especially for a family of six, so to say we have a limited amount of storage space is an understatement. If I don't want my house to look like an episode of Hoarders, I have to watch the amount of stuff I buy. Investing in a bunch of earthly possessions just doesn't make a lot of sense for us this season (or ever, really).
But you know what is so darned cool? The heart has unlimited storage. The more love you add, the better it gets. Overflowing closet = eek. Overflowing heart = an outpouring of love. Do you see where this is going? Do you see why I'd rather invest in my children's hearts instead of another electronic device?
So this holiday season, in my attempts to make it "the best Christmas ever" I have a question that I'm using as a filter. Does this particular gift or tradition improve a relationship, show love, or invest in someone's heart? If not, is it a necessary part of my season? If the answer is no, what needs to change so that it does, or should it just be omitted altogether?
Christmas cards sound like such a great way to connect and be all relational, but in reality they aren't. Not for me anyway. Photos of my children sent out were not really an attempt to build relationship, but more like me trying to show off what a good photographer I am. Christmas letters that try to help people catch up were just an attempt to make my life sound prettier and more put together than it really is. Lies and bragging complete with a cute postage stamp. Not a necessary part of my celebration, so they can go. Buh-bye.
They can be replaced with a Christmas craft marathon with my kids. The joy of creative time together is a gift for me, the product of a well thought out, custom made creation for a grandparent is then our gift to give.
This is how we will celebrate this year. More love. More family. More Jesus.
I recently published an article in Rhythm of the Home titled "How to promote creativity in children". If that article helped you find this blog, welcome, it's so nice to meet you.
While it's true that I am passionate about instilling a love of all things creative in children, I'm even more passionate about teaching children to use their creative pursuits to make the world a better place. Most kids come with a dynamic little package of natural creativity, love, acceptance, and generosity. We, as parents and community leaders, need to capture that energy and run with it.
We need to learn to focus our children's creative efforts outward, not inward. We need to stop thinking in terms of having our children make "Sunday school crafts" or things that they make on Sunday mornings and are thrown away on Sunday evenings, and instead lets turn our energy towards coordinating "creative outreach events".
What exactly would it look like if your child's creativity sessions yeilded more than just a pile of papers to hang on the fridge for a few days before rotating it out for the next project. What if they made their creations as a way to encourage others in their community? Stick with me here, I'm thinking more than just telling them to make something for Grandma and Teacher.
Don't get m wrong, we love Grandma's, we love teachers and principals, they all need to be encouraged. But lets not stop with people we know. Lets take a real look at the big picture and see who really needs the love and encouragement that our children have to offer. What if they took it upon themselves to make something creative to encourage the elderly in the nursing home, or people serving in the military? Do homeless people in your community need a reason to smile? What about those ladies at the battered women's shelter?
In addition to the boxes of stuff we've taken over to the senior center, I personally have had my girls help me make fleece tie blankets for foster kids and battered women. And all of my kids (and my mother-in-law) have helped me make hats and mittens for people living in Pakistan. The sky is the limit as to what your children can create, and the joy that they can bring.
The list of hurting people on our planet far outweighs the tonage of goofy art projects (I mean wonderful acts of creativity) your child will ever be able to make. Look around and identify groups in your community that need what your child has to make. Make some phone calls.
Go forth and create change.
Have ideas for creative change to share? Post a link so we can see how your child's creative expression has changed someone's day.
So friends, I mentioned yesterday that we've recently celebrated an important milestone in our family. One year as a family of six. One crazy, wild year full of growth and setback, of beauty and pain, of imperfect progress.
As with most adoptive families, we struggled with how to celebrate this milestone in our lives. It's a delicate balance between celebrating the progress we've made in the last year, while not bringing up his painful history. For our family the celebration was fairly subdued. He really does better with lots of small celebrations than with one great big bash. So we spent lots of time with family and friends, we reflected on those first few weeks that were rather horrible, the flight from hell, and how far we've all come in the last year. There has been precious growth in all six of us as we've realized just what it means to love a wounded soul.
Maybe someday he'll be ready to look back at his former self and see his own growth, and maybe he won't, but for now we'll just briefly mention the importance of the day, and celebrate for him. We invite you to celebrate with us, as we all know just how hard he's worked to become who he is, and how hard he continues to work on his journey to become whole and healed.
hihiIn honor of the anniversary of our homecoming with little Max, I thought I'd write a letter to myself full of information that I wish I'd had a year ago. If I ever figure out how to travel in time, I'll go back and deliver this to myself. Then I'll go pet the dinosaurs.
K. Here goes.
Dear new Mama to Max,
Welcome to the crazy family of people who have adopted a wounded child! It's a unique brotherhood full of other families who won't judge you when your child comes to church without any shoes on, and doesn't believe you when you pretend everything is a-ok. We are a tight family, and we watch out for each other. We'rere so thrilled you've joined us on this crazy ride.
So since you know nothing about this new kid, let me just pass along a few pieces of advice that will change the way you interact with him. First off, your son has an attachment disorder. It affects nearly every social interaction he has, his learning, his behavior, pretty much every waking moment of his life echoes the fact that no one held him as an infant. Don't assume you can treat him like a normal kid, because it'll end in disaster every time.
When your kid freaks out for no real reason, put him in the shower and let him stay there for an hour or two. Or, drop everything and carry him around like a collicky baby for a while. He likes to walk up and down the hall, or swung around like an airplane. Forget the gym. Just carry your seven year old infant around for a while. Works every time.
Don't freak out about the fact that his math skills are that of a three year old. He will realize there is a pattern to counting, and will eventually figure out that 13 always comes before 14. It will take an entire year for this to come together, but it'll come. Don't bother with subtraction, you'll still be working on that when he's twenty. Oh, and he learns wayyyy better snuggled up with you on the couch than he ever did sitting at the table. It's that whole attachment thing. It really does affect everything.
And when you're sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, holding Max in that secure position he hates because you're afraid he's about to cause permanent damage to someone or something, remember that this little boy is a gift. God brought him into your life to show you just how much you judge other parents with ornery kids. He's here to show you really don't know everything about parenting, in fact you don't know a darned thing. Max wants to teach you that love is a choice, and that you can command respect without turning into a screaming banshee. He's going to turn you into a better person, but it's going to be a long and difficult process. Because you, my friend, are sort of a train wreck yourself, and you don't even realize it. You need your new son to point out your flaws, so you can become more like Christ.
Best of luck!
Signed,
The Mama who knows Max a little better
Today we wrap up a 3 days series on The Adventures in Odyssey Imagination Station books. First we read about Ancient Egypt in ... then we read about adventures at sea in Battle for Cannibal Island. Today we are wrapping up with Escape to the Hiding Place.
In book 9 of the series, Patrick and his cousin Beth travel back to the 1940's and a very troubled Dutch community on the verge of World War 2. The duo needs courage to reunite a mother and baby who have been separated.
Mom says: I've probably mentioned this before, but I really love how these books introduce my children to real life Holy heroes that have impacted history. I loved that the characters met up with one of my favorite heroes Corrie TenBoom in this book. This book also served as a great introduction to a sensitive time in history. Loved it.
Annie (8 years old) says: This book is really exciting. I'm glad that no one was hurt in the crash at the beginning of the book. I liked the part about the places to hide. I'm glad Patrick and Beth made a friend, and that they had bicycles to ride in the frightening part.
Louisa (8 years old) says: I liked the secret hiding place and the nice farmers. You should read this book because it is funny and exciting.
So yesterday we talked about The Secret of the Prince's Tomb, the seventh book in the AOI Imagination Station series. Today we're excited to tell you about book 8, Battle for Cannibal Island
In this story, Patrick and Beth set sail to the south seas where pirates, cannibals and other dangers lurk around every corner. They find themselves in 1852 off the shore of Fiji where the members of the HMS Calliope are stuck in the middle of a battle between the Christian Fijians and the non-Christian Fijians. Along with their new friend James Calvert, the missionary, they try to make peace on the island and learn important lessons living their lives as Jesus would.
Mom says: So when these books arrived at my door, both of my girls squealed with glee and took off for a cozy reading nook. That should give you some indication of the quality of these books. Every single one of them has been a joy to read, and this one was no exception. Two big thumbs up.
Annie (8 years old) says: I liked the idea of them being on a boat. I'm glad no one was eaten by a shark or thrown overboard.
Louisa (8 years old) says: I thought it was very exciting! There were some really good bad guys in this story, and some funny people too. I'm glad everyone was safe at the end of the book. I thought it was interesting that the cannibals thought the turtle shells were so valuable.
Please Note: We received this book for review purposes. As always, our opinions are 100% our own
Last year we were so stinking lucky to receive the first six books in Adventure in Odyssey's Imagination Station series. We were rather sad when we got to the end of them. So you can imagine how thrilled we were a few weeks ago when the publishing company offered to help us catch up on the series by sending us the 3 books that have come out this year.
The first book we read, was The Secret of the Prince's Tomb. In the story Patrick and Beth travel back in time through Mr. Whittaker's Imagination Station to visit Ancient Egypt. After making friends with a young girl named Tabitha it becomes evident that her people are headed for a troubled future full of slavery and corrupt leadership. The cousins quickly realize that the best way they can help these troubled people is by reminding them of their rich history and give them a hope for the future.
Mom says: Can I tell you how much I love the fact that they wrote an entire story about ancient Egypt without rehashing the overdone pyramids and pharoh bit? Love, love, love the fact that they went for a less obvious route and knocked it out of the park.
Annie (8 years old) says: I didn't like it as much as I liked the others I'd read before but did like the part where Tabitha hid in the pot. The prince was funny too. Overall I thought it was pretty good.
Louisa (8 years old) says: I like all of the books in the series. I especially like the part in this book where they trick to guard in the pyramid. The end was really funny. I liked the illustrations too.
Here's what we thought about the other books in this series...
Please Note: We received this book for review purposes. As always, our opinions are 100% our own
So yesterday we talked a little about what adoption really is, today just for kicks we're going to examine the other side of the coin, what adoption is not...
A hallmark movie. Nor is it a campbells soup comercial. You don't turn a broken child into a healthy well adjusted member of society in less than 2 hours. And tomato soup doesn't fix everything. In fact it doesn't fix nearly as much as chocolate does. Trust me.
It is not bringing a child into your house and expecting them to sit at your feet with their hands folded singing your praises because you are an awesome person for saving them from certain death. It's not even them singing your praises while they run rampant around your house destroying everything in sight. It's mostly that last part without them shouting insults instead of singing. Not so much on the singing.
So there you go. The truth about adoption. Is it hard? Yes. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But adopting Max has changed his life, our lives, the lives of our friends and family, and frankly anyone who is following our adventure. I don't know how you could hear the story that God has written for
this little boy and not have faith. How you could ignore God's miraculous redemptive hand in his life, and the countless real life illustrations of faith, love and grace that surround him.
With those thoughts in mind, I have to ask... how could we not have spoken for this child? how can we not continue to fight for one of God's chosen? And how can we continue to ignore those children across our nation and planet that are still waiting for someone who will fight for them.
It's not a secret. We adopted a "special" kid. Our little Max has all sorts of delays and baggage associated with the neglect and abuse he suffered before he joined our family. Not all kids who are adopted are as broken as ours is, but most have a significant amount of brokenness boiling just below the surface. It doesn't really matter if they were neglected and abused for seven years, or if the abuse happened while they were still in utero. Nor does it doesn't matter if the abuse happened in Russia, or in New York, it inflicted the same pain. All adopted kids have scars that lead to a certain degree of "specialness".
So with that in mind, in honor of November being Adoption Awareness month, I'd just like to tell you the truth about what adoption really is, and later on this week we'll talk about what it is not.
Adoption is:
Recognizing that the world doesn't really revolve around you, even if you really really want it to.
Realizing that love is a choice. A choice that must be made every single day. Whether your child is spitting on you or not.
Trusting, trusting, trusting.
Learning how to make friends with other parents who can't control their children either, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they are obviously just bad parents.
Taking a life that was so badly broken that it had no chance for a future, and giving it wings.
Rejoicing over the stupidest little victories because you know that every single one is one that would not have happened if you hadn't stepped up to the plate. - Like the time my 8 year old finally counted to 20. Even though we practiced it every day for 10 months. And he got it mixed up every single day. And I"m looking at my other 8 year twin daughters who could count to 20 when they were four, and making darned well sure they know what their brother just accomplished. And I'm calling all my friends so they can celebrate with us. Because frankly, it IS a big deal that my baby can count to 20. And all the adoptive mom's are out there totally nodding their heads, because they all know.
It is a spiritual battle. It is reclaiming a soul from Satan's hand, knowing that he doesn't give up easily. Knowing that he will constantly remind them of their past, and feed them horrible lies about how meaningless their lives are. All. The. Time.
I don't think I've ever met someone who enjoyed getting parenting advice in the grocery store line. It's funny how people like to be an expert on parenting other people's children, especially when they don't have a clue about the other family's social dynamics.
So here are some of the finer solutions that people have offered me as my wounded child is trying really hard to keep his act together in public, and how I generally respond.
That child is really too big for you to be carrying him. My choices are carry him or listen to him scream. Trust me, you don't want me to put him down.
Just ignore him, he'll stop. Ignoring a neglected child DOESN'T WORK. Infact it makes him worse. Far worse.
Have you tried the sticker chart? It might work if my child had a desire to please me and avoid negative consequences. Neither of which holds any desire in his little heart. He doesn't recognize my authority as his parent, and I'm pretty sure bribing him with stickers isn't going to change that fact.
Just give that kid a swat. He'll stop.
Um, so this kid was probably a victim of abuse, so not only can we not
"just give him a swat" but we really can't give our other children
swats in front of him anymore either. Besides, I'm never going to give
him the type of beating he's recieved before, so my little butterfly
swats generally would fall under the category of "you really think
that's painful? You really have no idea, do you lady" and therefor not
be a deterrant anyway.
and my personal favorite:
That one looks like he needs to have his video games taken away when you get home. Lets just talk about all the things that life has already taken away from this child. His biological parents, his siblings, his culture, a climate that he's used to, his native language, his best friend Igor, all of his toys, clothes and other belongings - including the shirt off his back, do I need to go on? I'm thinking losing the ipod for 20 minutes isn't really going to inflict a great sense of loss or deprivation on this kid.
Any other "tips" out there that I've missed? Help me out fellow Mamas who've heard it all...
The other night I was driving around with Max, and he needed a bathroom break. Well, we were out in the middle of no where and there wasn't really anywhere to stop, so I offered to pull off the side of the road for him, but he wasn't interested. A few miles down the road it became apparent that he did want me to pull off the road, but something was clearly bothering him. As we searched for a possible location for a pit stop he whispers "You aren't going to leave me here are you?" Alone. By the side of the road. In the middle of no where. How terrified he must have been to think that someone he loved would even consider doing something like that. After a profuse amount of reassurance he agreed to let me pull over in a well lit, but abandoned parking lot. After our little pitstop, we continued on our way home, and as the miles passed my sorrow from our little verbal exchange passed as well. I was nearly home when the joy hit. My total elation was not caused by my son's pain, but by the fact that he able to put his fears into words. Normally instead of asking such a question, he would just lie on the floor kicking and screaming for two hours. Which poses an interesting quandry when you're trying to drive, or shop or do whatever. For him to be able to ask me a question like that is huge for him.
I've sort of gotten away from posting about every day adventures in our house, perhaps they were just a little too ordinary to put forth the extra effort when I had a household to run with a screaming 8 year old on my hip.
But this ordinary little excursion was not so ordinary for us. This was the pumpkin patch. The. Pumpkin. Patch. Y'all. A seasonal favorite in our house over the last few years for sure, but that was all before my pumpkin obsessed son joined our family.
Little Max has been so completely obsessed with our tiny back yard pumpkin patch this year that I've been counting the days until we could take him to a real pumpkin farm since, um, June.
So you know what happens when you have take a completely pumpkin obsessed kiddo to a freaking huge patch right? He takes one look at the massive pumpkin displays and heads right towards the bunny barn. Where he parks himself for the entire duration of the stay. Of course.
So here are a few shots of my goofy gang.
Before he found the bunny barn
My part time kiddo loves the patch too
The cute bunny. Who wouldn't blame little dude for parking in bunny land.
And another one of my not so photo-genic dude "sleeping" by the most histerical pumpkin I've ever seen. I say it looks like a giant mouth. My 10 year old son? He says it looks like someone's tushie. Ahem. Either way it was too darned funny not to park himself next to for a quick nap.
We talked a few weeks ago about how all of our behavior modification for Max is now attachment based, and I'm back to say that it's still freaking awesome. School has been completely awesome, discipline has been awesome. It's all just awesome. He still has meltdowns, and freaks out for no obvious reason, but viewing those moments as opportunities for attachment time (instead of discipline) has been beautiful. I finally feel like I'm done weathering the storm and I can start feeling hopeful for the future.
So now that we understand how his brain works, and are treating him accordingly, it's time to teach him how his brain works and how he can be proactive in settling himself. Without violence.
Last week I sat down with our therapist to bang out a handful of goals for him. Our first one was to give him words to express how he's feeling, and teach him how to use them. A second goal was to replace negative attention seeking behaviors / self destructive tendencies with positive behaviors that end in the same result.
With those two goals down, I had my mom start the ball rolling by writing him a social story. These stories are a tool that she regularly uses with her students to help them talk themselves through just about anything. So here's the story she wrote for Max who is having issues about visiting the therapist.
I get very big feelings when I go to the doctor’s office.
And I DO NOT like that.
I don’t like it when the grown ups talk.
I might think they think I am bad
I might think they are going to make me go away.
I might think they will hurt me.
I might remember some bad feelings from Russia.
I need some help when I have those big feelings.
I can say to Mom, will you hold me and she will always say ‘Yes!”
I can ask, do you love me and she will always say “YES!”
I can ask, will you take care of me and keep me safe? And she will always say, “YES!”
My Mom and Pop love me and want me to feel safe.
They can help my very big feelings to get smaller. Whew!
That will help me feel better.
I will try to ask Mom or Pop for help when I have very big feelings.
I was a little worried that the story would make him feel threatened, but he loves it. He generally needs to hear it about twice a day. At one point last week after he'd heard the story a half dozen times, he snuggles into me and says "Mom, will you keep me safe?" I about died. I had no idea he didn't feel safe with us.
And that my friends is what makes it all worth it. All of his "something is wrong here, but I can't tell you what" behavior, all of his "I don't care if your busy, you need to hold me NOW" behavior. Every dark moment up to this point has been totally worth it.
I've said all along that this little boy is one of God's chosen and if I teach him nothing else, I'm going to teach him how to be a child of God. He doesn't need to be a doctor, or save the world. But he does need to be able to form positive relationships with people and not spew venom at them everytime they do something he doesn't like.
And I feel like giving him these tools is the beginning of a new chapter for Max. The next chapter in the story of who God really created him to be, and of helping him understand that God gave him such a unique story for a reason. He needs to know that his story is beautiful and inspirational. It has already inspired so many people, and will only continue to do so as it unfolds. I want him to look past his pain to see the beauty in his story, and giving him these tools to understand himself is just the beginning.
So yesterday I talked about how I completely revolutionized the way I discipline my difficult child. Now that I understand my son was acting out on purpose because he's seeking attachment time with me I've decided it's time to stop using attachment time as punishment and start using it to my advantage.
And that my friends includes getting him to do his school work.
I'm calling it attachment based homeschooling, and I'm totally making it up as I go along. The basic idea is to create an atmosphere conducive to bonding and attachment first, with learning as the secondary benefit. Which basically means that we're snuggling on the couch with a blankie and a clip board until further notice.
Again, it works like a charm. With his attachment issues, behavior issues and learning disabilities trying to get him to work at the table was like wrestling with a caged tiger. 2 hours of fighting for 20 minutes worth of work. Not really worth it.
Now that we're working on the premise that learning time is also cuddle time, he's all about it. I'm to a point where I can challenge him accademically instead of just challenging him physically and emotionally.
It's so beautiful to finally be on the same page. (see what I did there - same page? School? I'm so clever I don't know what to do with myself)
Anyway. I can also use the old method of schooling as leverage. More interested in cuddle time than learning? Guess it's time to go back to the kitchen table for some not so cozy learning.
That hard kitchen chair is kind of a rude awakening after the comfy couch. I'd do just about whatever it takes to avoid going back over there myself. He's not as dumb as he looks.
So I talked recently about my son's behavior disorder, and how it's diagnosis has changed the way I look at our relationship. So how exactly does one discipline a child with such a disorder? A child who has no interest in avoiding natural consequences, staying out of trouble or pleasing authority figures?
The short answer is I don't really know. There are a lot of theories, and some of them work quite well for other people. We've tried lots of different techniques from ignoring attention seeking behavior to prevention with a sensory diet. Neither were particularly successful.
So I was reading last week about what happens to a child's neural development when he fails to attach to a primary care giver as an infant and I had an "ah ha" kind of a moment. Over the last 10 months little Max has been desperately seeking opportunities to bond and attach with me as his mother, and there are times that he's been so desperate for attachment time that he'll do just about whatever it takes in order to get it. Like throwing monsterous 2 hour temper tantrums because he wants to be put in a safe hold and doesn't know how to communicate that information with me.
So the million dollar question is, if he really really wants to be held securely by his mommy, why am I using that as punishment instead of to my advantage?
That question has completely revolutionized the way I respond to my child. I had to completely throw out all my notions about how to work with Max as a difficult child. All the training I've received, all the doctors and other professionals that have advised me to ignore him were wrong. Ignoring him is what is causing the problems. He's a neglected child. He knows how to escalate his behavior to get the attention he's craving. My ignoring him has just been adding fuel to his little fire. I feel like such a dunce.
So we have a completely new tactic in dealing with his behavior. As soon as the attention seeking behavior starts I go and pick him up. Then I carry him around like a toddler until he quiets down. If while I'm carrying him around he is aggressive towards me in any way he can sit in a kitchen chair by himself until he's ready to be held again.
Over the last few months we've talked about how our little Max is having a difficult time adjusting to life in our house. How he's constantly picking fights, having meltdowns and just not responding to my authority. It was easy to blame his naughtiness on his negative social history and the fact that he really just didn't know what positive relationships were supposed to look like.
Turns out his orneriness has a label. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Now a few months ago I would have scoffed at the idea that general childhood orneriness could be classified as a medical issue that could be "fixed" with therapy. You fix orneriness with discipline, not therapy. What my kid needed was a mixture of strong consistant parenting on my behalf, and deep felt love and respect from everyone in the family. A firm diet of love and discipline will fix everything right?
That my friends is one of the subtle differences between ODD and general orneriness. After 9 months of consistant predictable parenting on my part he is still not responding to my authority. He doesn't respond to discipline, time outs, natural consequences, or positive rewards, you name it I've done it. None of it worked. He honestly didn't seem to care if he was about to be in trouble or if he was being punished. It was all a big game just to make us all mad.
Another difference that I can point out is his ability to turn it on and off at will. His disorder only presents itself when we are at home and I'm the only adult in the house, or we're in a setting where he thinks he can get away with it (like in a classroom full of children when his parents aren't visible). In either of those settings if I change one variable (such as a neighbor stops by our house for a chat) his misbehavior disappears until things return to status quo.
One more difference that I can point out is that on a normal day has about 6 hours of rage/anger/general meanness that don't have a clear target. He just wants to pick a fight with someone about something. When he's worked through his meanness for the day he's capable of playing happily for a good 2-3 hours with little to no supervision.
So what do you do with this kind of behavior? When consequences and discipline fail. The doctor recommends some sort of parent child interaction program. We'll keep an open mind about it, but I feel like I'm already doing all the stuff that they'll recommend. My special needs advisor (aka Grandma) had a handful of sensory activities that sound considerably more promising. This week we've tried starting our day out by playing with 6 lb hand weights, with mixed results. So we'll keep trying to figure out Max's sensory diet and hopefully we can get him back to a happier, healthier place.
I have been struggling with what to say about life with Max for too long. Struggling with my quirky desire to present our relationship as progressing in a gradual incline towards normalcy. That when looking from a distance our daily skirmishes are making a difference, and that my awesome parenting skills are making a difference in this little boy's life.
But really months 8 and 9 are just serving me one slice of humble pie after another. Over the last few weeks my son has added screaming and trying to pull out teeth that aren't loose to his bag of tricks. It's not uncommon for him to sit in the middle of the living room and scream at the top of his lungs for two hours because of a simple infraction such as Annie has the green crayon and he wants it. And the tooth pulling? The best we can figure is that he thinks it will get him out of going to church. Which it won't.
He recently told me that he wants to be the king, and that everyone else in the house should be the people who listen to the king. Aka his servants. Chuckle if you will, but that clears up a lot about why he's so frustrated with us, and our lack of willingness to obey his commands.
How does one parent that? Clearly the solution to these problem is deeper than time outs and losing rewards and other natural consequences. We focus on meeting his sensory needs (which helps) and focus on his developmental age (which is about 2 years) instead of his biological age (which is 8) so we are swaddling him, and rocking him, and letting him be a toddler, which helps. But at the end of the day he's still screaming at me for hours on end and the only thing I can really do is put on headphones. Because I feel like if I get frustrated and lose my cool then he's won. And theres nothing worse than losing a standoff with an eight year old who's really two.
I admit, there are days when all 5 of us struggle to love this child. When we wonder why on earth God asked us to welcome him into our family, and why oh why did we listen. But all I can say is that God has a plan, and this is a part of it. I can't pretend to understand why God asked me to pay a ton of money for such a headache, but I can focus on what I know over what I feel. I know that God has a fantastic plan for this little boy, and that plan included us. I feel like I don't have the slightest idea how to parent this child, but know that God's going to get me through it. There's a very good reason behind every tantrum, every scream, every moment of frustration. I don't have to know what those reasons are, I just need to know that they are serving a purpose.
So yesterday we talked about a fantastic book that I recently read called Be the Mom, and guess who got to interview the author? Me! So cool, I know. So here's a little Q & A that I recently had with Tracey Eyster.
EP: In your own journey
as a mother, what led you to identify and then conquer the seven “Mom
Traps” that you address in Be the Mom? TE: I started writing this book for my daughter, to give to her some day when she
becomes a mom. As I contemplated my young daughter becoming a mother I
knew that she would face times of weariness and doubt in her ability to be a
mom and I wanted to encourage her that yes, it’s hard, but it’s worth it.
I didn’t want her to listen to the world’s message that motherhood was a
diversion from what she was “really” meant to do in life. I wanted her to
understand the importance of being a mom and appreciate God’s intention that we
are to mold our children to be image bearers for God and in the process He
would mold us! I live these mom traps and I have learned how to allow the
Lord to help me have victory over them – most days! Knowledge is power,
if you can name your bad attitude you have a better chance of overcoming it!
EP: As a young mom, you
mentioned that you sometimes felt insignificant because you were “only” a stay-at-home mom. How
did you regain your sense of individual significance?
TE: I chose to understand the truth of how important it is to be a mom and to
appreciate that motherhood is a series of “seasons” - each being very
important. Younger children are very demanding, but it’s just a season. I
approached each season of motherhood with the same determination and desire for
excellence that I had when I had a great career. I started to really study the
word of God and gained a daily abiding relationship with God. He filled
the holes and soothed me on the rough days. He also revealed to me my rough
edges that needed sanding! God’s truths began to reveal that motherhood
many times is way more about growing mom than growing the kids. I also
learned not to take myself too seriously! I realized the need to be light
hearted and a bit silly, and that daily joy is a choice! When I recognized that
my children were watching and I was teaching them how to “do life,” I realized
more than just me was at stake! Life is a series of small choices. Those
choices mold us, and because we are moms, they mold our children!
EP: I gave birth to 3 children in less than 2 years. For a long time I was very much the martyr mom who had nothing on her plate but diapers and screaming children. Can you tells us a little more about the
sense of self-pity (“Martyr Mom” trap) that moms sometimes adopt? What are some
of the daily practices that can help moms like me to break out of this trap?
TE: Oh my! The Martyr Mom trap is particularly ugly and hard to admit to for that
very reason! I can fall into that trap so easily. We do what needs to get done,
but grumble about it and wear our “poor pitiful me” countenance on our sleeve
or have a bad attitude, scowl or take on an all-around pit-i-ful appearance. We
get it done, but are miserable while doing it and at times make everyone else
miserable in the process. Sort of that “walk on eggshells” around
mom...she’s a bit touchy again today! To get out of this trap you first have to
admit your bad attitude and choose to seek a better attitude. Recognize
that God calls us to do all that we do as if doing it for the Lord! This trap
is so complicated – I think you just need to read the chapter!
EP: What is the key to
contentment when moms are tempted to compare themselves to other
“picture-perfect” moms who seem to have it all together?
TE: Comparison is the thief of joy, so the fastest way to tank your attitude is to
compare yourself to others. Especially when you are comparing your every
day, or your worst, to their best. All around us we see what seems to be
the ideal, and even on our own blogs we have a tendency to just write about the
good stuff! If you want to make a mom’s day, the next time you have a
rotten day – write about that! A good dose of mom reality in your life,
shared in all its un-lovely glory will be a big giant hug to that overwhelmed
mom sitting in front of her computer screen! Be always mindful to point her to
where you find your hope and how you are able to live in joy in spite of your
circumstances! If you are fully focused on God and who He says you are,
then you are less likely to compare yourself to others. And 1 Peter 3:3-4
reminds us it is our inner beauty which is of great worth to God.
EP: In an effort to be
liked, moms can sometimes become more of a friend to their kids than a mother. Why is this dangerous?
TE: Based on my experience and my observation, I have learned that your children
have lots of friends – but they only have one mom! Am I right?! That seems sort
of basic, but I think we constantly need to be reminded of that and stay true
to that calling of mom first. Trust me, they regularly get advice and
counsel from their peers, or from those who are marketing to them and their
peers. What they need is a mom (and parents) who are pouring truth and
Godly character into them. We want to build a relationship with our
children, but that relationship needs to be tempered with wisdom and the
understanding that as parents we have authority over them. We want to
teach our children to respect authority and realize that even when they don’t
like it, they must come under the authority to those God has placed over them.
Grow in relationship through time spent together, memories made together,
having fun, being interested in what they are interested in—then trust is
built. Recognize that how you interact with your children is training
them in how they will interact with future roommates, with spouses and with
their own children. You want your child to be others focused not
self-focused and too much “it’s all about you” to a young child, becomes “it’s
all about me” in a teen and adult – that’s not pretty. It’s also not what
God has called us to.
EP: In one chapter you talk about "they says", and how moms are affected by what others are saying. How can a mom
effectively navigate the countless “they says” out there and make the best
decisions specific to their kids?
TE: The fast answer is that you need to be a student of your child and learn who
they are and how they are gifted and then support them in their unique gifting.
Explore what their natural bent is and foster that so that they can gain
confidence. The Bible tells us we are not to conform to the pattern of
this world, so whenever you find yourself conforming to what they say – let
that be cause for pause and discussion. What your child spends his or her
time doing should have nothing to do with what everyone else is signing up for
– it’s about how God designed them. Help them find their sweet spot.
If you place values on what “others say” they will too! We want
them to place value on what God says and who God says they are! I also
think taking a step back and looking at just how much time you spend doing vs.
being is in order, if you are constantly on the go you may need to rethink some
things. Over scheduling kids is training them to be future workaholics,
again, that training for the future is always a constant. Recent studies
have even shown that a lack of unstructured play and activity is actually
hurting our children because they don’t know how to be creative and how to
think on their feet. We consistently have to help our children
recognize that the road is narrow and that’s ok. They need to be reminded
constantly that they are in the world, but not of the world.
EP: Describe the fine line between womanhood
and motherhood. Why is it important to keep them distinct?
TE: In Be The Mom, I discuss the fact
that God began to reveal to me once I became a mom that every decision I made
needed to flow through my “mom brain” because once I became a mom daily life
was about more than just me. I had already learned to alter my daily
expectations when I got married because I was not longer a me, but a wife. I
couldn’t just do whatever I wanted, my husband and I needed to discuss things
and do what was best for us. That equation multiplies big time once you
become a mom, because as a mom you are responsible for raising and training
your children (along with your husband) so many times something my “woman
brain” wants, may not be what’s best according to my mom brain. And
though with some it makes me very unpopular, I wholeheartedly believe that the
mom brain must be the primary consultation for decisions. God has given
me my children for a season and my priority should be partnering with my
husband to raise them in such a way that they have every opportunity to become
image bearers and grow into who God has designed them to be. God
entrusted them to me. The coolest part of sacrificial mothering is that
in the process, God molds a mom into who He wants her to be – you see, selfless
motherhood is a powerful tool in God’s molding hands.
EP: Sometimes moms say
“yes” to everything, believing that doing everything will make them “supermom.”
How can a mom wisely decipher the things she should say “no” to?
TE: First of all, I get it. We have so many opportunities today and so many good,
really good and really great things we can be doing each day. However,
there are only so many hours and we must determine how we want to INVEST those
hours each day. You may have to say no to some really good/great things –
but as a mom I honestly think your greatest asset is time and time invested in
your children has largenormous dividends for them...and you. We all have
a “to do” list, I challenge you to start at “to be” list and list out the ways
you can invest in your time in your family and choose some “to be” time with
your family, and even your friends. God designed us for relationship,
with Him and with others. And for those of you who just have to have some
boxes to check (ahem....I know that of which I speak) that “to be” list will
help you out! Check away sister friend!
EP: How can putting things off have a
negative effect on parenting?
TE: Oh my...if there is anything I wish I could imprint on your brain it is that
tomorrow will get here far sooner than you realize. Honestly moms,
whatever it is that you feel like being a mom is “keeping” you from – it will
still be there when your children are no longer in your home constantly.
Already you can look at your child and think, “My goodness, how can he be
almost two!” Or, “I cannot believe she is starting Kindergarten this year!”
Those years will continue to tick by. Don’t think you can put off until
tomorrow the mothering God intends for you to do today! In actuality you
could spend less than 25% of your life parenting and what you gain during that
time is invaluable in training you! Enter into your children’s world,
play with them, laugh with them, teach them, be silly, teach deep truths, enjoy
every MOMent their future, and yours, is at stake. God has such a divine
purpose in parenting, don’t miss it by waiting until tomorrow – tomorrow may
never come. With daily parenting you need to be intentional, relational
and selfless – so much is at stake!
HI friends! I have another fun book to share with you today! This one is called Be the Mom, Overcome attitude traps and enjoy your kids. As an experienced mother of two, the author draws on her own personal experience to identify seven common attitude traps that moms tend to fall into that keep them from truly enjoying their roles as care providers. The traps include the “Me Mom Trap,” the “Martyr Mom Trap,” the “Mirror Mom Trap,” and a few others. The author uses wisdom gleaned from real life experiences and a gentle humor to navigate through these pitfalls and offers advice and encouragement to help other moms realize their own significance.
After 10 years of parenting I feel like I've read just about everything there is to read about raising children. This book presented lots of tried and true wisdom from a fresh perspective. I found myself reconsidering my own life and struggles, and looking at them with new eyes.
This "ex-martyr mom" says Good stuff, go read it.
Please Note: We received this book for review purposes. As always, our opinions are 100% our own
Hi friends!
I really really wanted to post yesterday, but I was so darned sick it wasn't even funny. And we all know that you can get contagious diseases from the internet. So I decided to spare you. You're welcome.
Anyway. Without further ado here are our winners!
Which was Julie Tompkins
Which was MarknTracy
Which was Michael Daniel Metzger
Yahoo! I am so thrilled to pass these books along to good homes. Can you winners please email me with your addresses at photosformax (at) yahoo.com, I'll be sure to get these in the mail asap!
We've learned a ton at Bible school this week. We've learned all the normal stuff about God and Heaven and all that stuff that was the same as last year. We learned the latest round of Bible school songs, which yes, are just as annoying as last years songs. Shh. Don't tell the music ladies I said that, they'll throw me in the pool.
Anyway.
We did learn a few unconventional lessons this year. Annie learned how to volunteer. Or snarf extra snacks from the kitchen, candy from the welcome center, chat with all the other volunteers, make a cute name tag, and spin in the office chairs. Lets be honest, that's why we all volunteer, right?
Louisa learned never to headbutt Mommy while wearing a viking helmet. Ouch.
And Max, well... he learned nuffin. It's a good thing he's so darned cute.
Oh, by the way! Today's the last day to enter to win one of my extra copies of the book Risk. Go here to check out the details!
We have a treat for you today! If you've been around this blog long enough, you know that we're big fans of the author Brock Eastman. We read his first few books HowlSage, and Taken. We were excited earlier this spring to be one of the first families selected to read his newest book Risk.
Risk picks up where Taken left off. The 4 Wikk children have landed on planet Evad and uncovered ruins from a vanished civilization. Their crazy adventure features several encounters with the villanous army of Ubel troopers, a handful of mysterious characters and passageways, and lots of fantastic futuristic gadgets as they seek to find their parents and stop the Ubel rebels from misusing long lost secrets.
I love how Mr. Eastman can consistantly produce exciting page turners that all four of my children love to read or have read to them. While published by a Christian publisher, both Taken and Risk are designed to be more seeker friendly for youngsters who do not have a firm faith foundation. Both have strong themes of loyalty and truth without being blatantly religious.
I love that.
You know what I love better than getting free books in the mail? Giving free books to YOU! I have - get this - 3 copies of Risk to give away. Can you believe it? So darned cool.
So in order to win a copy of this book leave me a message about who you think would like to read this book (it's ok to admit that you just want to read it yourself. I won't judge.) I'll pick 3 winners next friday.
Also, just for kicks - check out page 2 of the endorsements in the front of the book and see if you recognize anyone. I'll give you a hint. It's me. Yup. Friggen awesome, I know.
Please Note: We received this book for review purposes. As always, our opinions are 100% our own
In honor of Alex's 10th birthday I thought I'd write a little top ten list in his honor...
1. He puts up with an insane amount of crap from his little brother. I'm not quite sure how he tolerates it as well as he does, but we are all so entirely grateful that he takes everything in stride as well as he does.
2. He started rolling his eyes at me this year. Which I love. It's like a rite of passage for moms. You know that you've finally earned your stripes as a parent when your child rolls his eyes at you.
3. I love listening to the odd things he prays. He's consistantly thankful for the strangest things. Like that we don't live in Siberia. I imagine God enjoys hearing all the goofy things that little boys pray for.
4. I love the goofy goggle tan that he's got going on this summer. It makes me chuckle.
5. I love that the list of stuff that he wanted for his birthday wasn't a list of gifts he wanted to receive, but a list of fun things he wanted to do with friends and family.
6. I love that he didn't freak out when I didn't get his birthday blog post posted until he'd been 10 for nearly an entire week. Sorry dude.
7. Sometimes when he thinks no one is looking, he puts his arm around my waist or grabs my hand. But don't tell anyone or next time he's going to yank my arm off.
8. I love how fascinated he is with design, and how he uses inspiration from his every day environment to come up with fantastic design projects.
9. Little man has been waiting 10 years for his first street ride with is dad on the Harley. Where did they go for such a momentus ride? To the movie theatre to see the Avengers.
10. Mostly I just love him for who he is, and who he's becoming.
So I mentioned a few weeks ago that the girls are spending their summer with Grandma Peterson this year. It was hard for me to send them away for eight weeks, but every time I hear from them they are having the time of their lives and I'm so thrilled that they had the opportunity to have such an adventure.
The other day I shared a bit about the passing of Jory's grandfather. Because of his passing we ended up taking an unexpected trip out to the ranch for the funeral. As much as I wanted to go be supportive for those who were grieving, I really really just wanted to hold my babies.
Aren't they cute?
Trust me when I say I sucked up every last second with those two little cuddle bugs. They were so full of sunshine and sugar. They had 4 weeks of hugs saved up for me and I savored every last one of them.
Love those girlies. So glad Grandma gets to enjoy them for a bit longer.
We recently lost yet another loved one. Nearly three weeks after his 100th birthday, Jory's grandfather G.E Peterson went on to meet Jesus. That makes four deaths for us this year - Jory's father and grandfather, and two friends of the family. 4 fine men, three old and one young. All passing into Jesus's care.
4 deaths in 7 months is a lot to process. I think most people would agree that if anyone has a right to be overwhelmed, angry, bitter and disillusioned with life and with God it would be us. We should be to be stomping and screaming and asking why.
But we aren't.
With a pause, and a polite nod towards our grief, we pick ourselves up and move on. Ready to shoulder the load these men passed on to us. Knowing that God is good, whether we like His plan or not. Knowing that getting angry is sort of pointless because someone else's death isn't really about me or my family. We learned a long time ago that you can't take losses personally or you'll go crazy. So we don't. We take our losses in stride, knowing they happen for a reason.
So as with the others, we count this loss as a bump in the road. Our road is turning out to be a rather bumpy road indeed. But it's a beautiful road, with a lovely view. And I think this is where we'll stay.
Lets just say you aren't Michael Phelps. You are not a fast swimmer, nor are you a good technical swimmer. The fact that you didn't have access to a place to swim until 7 months ago might have something to do with that.
Yesterday you had your first swim meet. You didn't win the only heat you swam, you didn't even place in the top five. Even though you were up against children who were probably much younger than you. I'm not totally convinced you recognized that you were trying to beat those other kids to the other side of the pool.
But you know what? You swam all the way across the pool without stopping. And you did it in super deep water that you thought was very scary.
And for those two reasons I am so beyond psyched for you. I'm psyched that you learned something new, and put it to use. I love that you completed a task you never would have attempted if it hadn't been for the popsicle the coach had waiting for you. And I'm psyched that you faced your fears and didn't back down. Mostly, I'm psyched for you because that's just what moms are for.
That crazy screaming lady who's cheering her little heart out for the little kid that's limping slowly across the pool? Yep, that's totally me. To me, it matters not what place you finished, nor do I particularly care about whether your had good form or not. You didn't let your disadvantages stop you, and thats what counts.
So proud of you little dude.
love,
your biggest fan. Aka Mom.
So last month I was all about how far we've come with little Max.
This month I'd just like to eat my words.
With this little guy it's all about transition. I used to roll my eyes at people who were nervous about how well their child would transition through different activities and phases of life. But now I totally get it.
His sisters are gone (for now) and his schedule is wonky, which means that he's a hot mess. Without the girls around he can't figure out who to play with, so he's whining and following Alex and I around because he can't entertain himself. And his food insecurities are resurfacing, so he's constantly asking for more food, and then not eating the food we give him, unless it's junk food.
Not to mention that he's tired and cranky because we messed with his sleep schedule and he can't acclimate.
Yeah. He's been a fun kid to have around this month.
Insert eye roll here.
But it's been an incredible time of growth as well. With the introduction of organized sports he's learning how to take direction from someone other than mom, and step outside his comfort zone.
He's also been attending safety town or "fire engine class" as he calls it. Now that might not sound terribly impressive until you remember that the Russian police have a tendency towards corruption. For 7 years he was taught to fear the police. Now all of a sudden the police are the good guys. Talk about a major shift in perspective. But he's totally eating up every second of it. We're so thrilled that he's made the transition to the new mentality seemlessly.
Tap tap...
Is this thing on? Is anyone even out there?
Its been a few days, and while I'd like to make some excuse about weird schedules or unruly children, the truth is I've been in a funk. A dry as sandpaper on a hot summer day funk. I sit down to write and I've got nothing. Not a darned thing to say. And I get to the point where I stop sitting down to write, because there is seriously nothing to say and I'm tired of looking at a blank page. Waiting for someone to turn on the spigot, so the words can fall like little droplets that bring life and beauty to everything they touch.
And I wonder. Have I done something wrong? Offended the One who brings the words? Why does my waterfall work only on some days and not on others? I showed up. I turned on the spigot. I did everything i needed to do, so why is nothing happening?
I go through the same phases with my faith. Don't you? Please say yes. Please tell me that I am not the only one who feels like I pick up the phone to start a conversation with Jesus and all I get is crickets.
Chirp chirp.
It's like nobody's home, but I know that can't be true. And all I can do is hit redial and hope the next time someone picks up the phone.
I think that's the point. Keep hitting that redial button. Keep trying. Perservere. Your creative juices will start flowing, and Jesus will pick up the phone. And you'll have an excuse to rejoice when it finally happens.
Doesn't water taste better when you're thirsty? Food taste better when you are hungry? If God never gave you the opportunity to be parched, then He'd never have the opportunity to fill you up, now would He?
So here I am, still waiting for something interesting to tell you, anticipating the flood that will surely come. What are you anticipating? Let's wait together. I'll bring the snacks, you bring the movie. It'll be like a party. Waiting is always more fun with friends.
Oh never mind.
I have a confession. I have a secret agenda that I don't really want to tell anyone about. I try not to let it control me, but it totally does. The things I do, the things I say. They all reflect my secret agenda I don't want you to know about.
So what is it? Draw attention to myself and make you like me.
Hey let me do this thing that I think is really Holy and I can claim is for Jesus, but really my poor little heart just wants to take all the credit for what I've just done. I may or may not go out of my way to announce to my accomplishment to the world, but you can bet I'm totally looking around to see if anyone noticed. And yes I will accept your feedback about how awesome I was.
I can see Jesus up in heaven rolling his eyes at me. Silly, silly girl.
So the question for today is what does life without this secret agenda look like? What does it really look like to live my life for Jesus, taking none of the credit for myself. Is it even possible to get through a single hour or one task with out the incredibly narcisitic desire to make what ever I'm doing be about me instead of Jesus.
I'm thinking not really. This sad, pathetic little heart of mine just isn't that good. But today I'm going to try. Sweet Jesus am I going to need some grace today.
My dear sweet daughters, Today I am sending you off to the great wide world. It feels a little like I'm sending you off to college. But you're 8. It's too early for that. You, my darlings are headed out to New Mexico to love on Grandma Peterson for an entire summer. She is a little lonely after Papa passed away, and you are getting picked on by a brother who doesn't really understand how to form positive relationships with females. So it's a win - win situation for everyone.
Everyone but me. You two are my little lights and you make my world so much brighter. You have no idea how much I like having you here with me all the time. I rather enjoy not having to sharing you with the rest of the world. But I also know that keeping you here when you're needed elsewhere is selfish. The rest of the world needs to see your little light too.
And so I send you, with extra batteries, to be a flashlight. To light up someone else's world. Not forever, but for now.
Go and spread your love and sunshine, your giggles and hugs, and the goofy songs that you make up to make people laugh. Go be your incredible little selves, but remember who you belong to.
You are mine, and I'm not sharing you forever. Not yet at least. Love and hugs, Mom
